The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress

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*So there I was roysh, life focked, reputation focked, finances focked – everything completely focked, roysh, and we're talking big time. And it's all Fionn's fault, basically. He's the four-eyed focker who told me that, like, the first time you do it, roysh, you're firing blanks. Like an unloaded Uzi –seriously impressive, hard as fock and totally ready for action, but the safety's, like, on, you know. Well that was a pile of stinking turds for storters. And of course it's muggins here who ends up with the kid – life is SO focking unfair. On top of all that, roysh, the goys stort to, like, totally lose it – JP has gone all Jesus on my orse, Oisinn is basically trying to fock over Interpol and Christian is talking about weddings and, I don't know, love and stuff. I mean, I am seriously beginning to feel like I am the only good-looking, loaded, sane goy in the whole of, like, Dublin.*